


I wonder

by ScarletKiss



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Depression, Established Relationship, Insecurity, M/M, Overworking, Vomiting, johhny and sicheng show up for like 0.5 seconds, learning to heal ig, not to graphic tho, set during black on black promotions era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28281975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletKiss/pseuds/ScarletKiss
Summary: You’re pathetic.You’re not good enough, why can’t you see that?Ten whimpers pulling his legs closer to his chest as the voices in his head grow louder and louder.Why do you even try?Your nothing but a failure Ten, everyone can see it.Lucas is better off without you, why can’t you understand that?(alternatively Ten struggles with Insecurity's and has to learn how to overcome them.)
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Kudos: 31
Collections: NCTV Secret Santa 2020





	I wonder

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ActivelyWeird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActivelyWeird/gifts).



> Dear Milk,  
> I'm sorry.......  
> Your Secret Santa
> 
> i feel like the summary is misleading.....lmk if it is and i'll change it

_I’ll be better._

Ten stares deep into the mirror at his shaking sweating body, he sighs before turning around to limp out of the bathroom and down the hall back to the dance practice room. Ten is merciless and brutal, he pushes his body to its very limits refusing to listen when the dull ache of a stretch turns into a sharp stinging pain. He goes through hot patches like crazy, their one of the few things that are practical and dull the pain. It’s the price he has to pay to be the best, don’t get Ten wrong he loves and adores NCT and he wants nothing but the best for all of them, even Kun the new guy despite how annoying he can be with his incessant nagging, “Take a rest Ten,” “Don’t push your body too hard Ten,”. Ten (isn’t like other girls he’s different 🥺) isn’t Taeil his voice is nowhere near as powerful and he’s not like Mark he can’t rap at the same speed or talent as him, and Ten sure as hell isn’t Taeyong, dancing is all he has. If he isn’t the best than what is he worth?

Lucas would sit there and tell him that he was worth more than the stars, but Ten can’t help but wonder.

Ten pushes himself off from where he leans on the bathroom sink, he swipes the mirror as if wiping away his reflection, pasting on a smile Ten turns limping his way up to the bathroom door. He’ll make it through the day, he’ll push through the pain of his aching, sore body. He always does.

“Ten, you’re back,” Lucas greeted him from the floor of the dance practice room a smile on his face. Ten rolled his eyes playfully tossing his water bottle onto the floor, “I was gone for like eleven minutes, chill,” he retorted with a flick of his head. Lucas laughed, it was loud and full of joy. Ten could feel a smile spread across his lips despite his best attempts to keep it suppressed

***************************

_What if I’m not good enough?_

The message pervades every single one of Ten’s waking thoughts, it haunts him from when he’s dancing to when he’s lying in Lucas’s arms waiting for sleep to take him. Ten shivers as Lucas pulls him closer to his body, whispering “I love you,” in his half-asleep daze. “I love you too,” Ten whispers. He ducks underneath Lucas’s arm sliding down on the dark blue bedsheets in order to not wake his sleeping boyfriend. Ten scrambles around on the floor grabbing his sweatpants from where he discarded them in the corner, he yanked them on as he surveyed the room looking for whatever else he might need. If Ten is being completely honest with himself this is probably his worst idea yet, but here he is on his way to the dance practice room at three in the morning. As Ten nears the door to the practice room, he hesitates wondering whether this is really all that good of an idea after all? Ten sighed squaring his shoulders, no matter how much he wants to crawl back into bed and cuddle with Lucas he has to do this, it’s like what his mother always said, “It’s the days when we don’t want to, that are the days we have to.”

Ten pushes open the door, shuffling in silently he begins to flick on the lights. Dropping his bag onto the floor, Ten moves to the center of the room, eyes firmly fixed on the wall made of mirrors before him. He begins to dance going over choreo that has been ingrained into his very being, he doesn’t have to think his body simply moves in time to the music. _Muscle memory,_ that’s what Kun had referred to it as. Ten dances and dances, he ignores his body and every screaming protest it makes as he pushes himself to the edge. _Go! Go! Go beyond, prove you have some semblance of worth. Prove to me, to us that you are not just a worm._ Ten’s mind whispers those words in his ear. Ten dances and dances until he collapses onto the floor with shaky legs and heaves up everything, he’s put into his body in the last 24 hours. Ten stays there for what feels like forever, dry heaving as he begins to sob his eyes out. The floor is freezing cold but Ten likes that, it keeps him grounded it reminds him _I am here._

*********************

When, Sicheng pushes open the practice room door, he finds Ten curled up on the floor his body trembling from having pushed his body past its very limits.

“Ten,” Sicheng’s deep voice is filled with worry as he drops to his knees sliding across the floor to Ten’s fallen body. “Are you okay?”

Ten pushed himself up balancing on shaking arms, “I’m fine,” he forced his lips up into poor attempt at a smile. Sicheng arched a sharp, disbelieving eyebrow at Ten. “I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d dance, clear my thoughts a little. I guess it worked a little too well.” Ten chuckled softly at his own words. Half-truths Ten’s specialty, picking out the ugly parts of the truth and then feeding the pretty pieces laced together with lies of omission to whoever asked. Sicheng shrugged the look on his face clearly stating that he thought Ten was full of shit.

“God, I need to shower,” Ten groaned softly.

“I’m not going to argue with you on that,” Sicheng said plainly his lips twitching slightly. Ten gasped “WinWinie how dare you? My poor feelings” Ten flung a hand to his temple as he arched his back in the classic “oh woe is me” pose. Sicheng giggled, rolling his eyes good-naturedly at Ten’s antics.

“Fuck off.”

“That’s what Lucas’s is for,” Ten winked flirtatiously.

Sicheng gagged loudly, as Ten walked away laughing as if it was the funniest thing in the world. 

**********************************

Ten pushed open the bedroom door, shuffling in he dropped his bag on the floor.

“Hi.” Ten whirled around to see Lucas perched on the bed twirling his phone between his fingers. “Hey,” Ten whispered hoarsely. Lucas shot him a hesitant smile, “This is the third time this week alone I’ve woken up to an empty bed.”

“I-I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry?” Ten sighed, guilt beginning to bubble up in the pit of his stomach.

“No, no babe,” Lucas’s eyes were dark with concern. He grabbed Ten’s hands pulling him close. “Don’t apologize. I’m just worried that you haven’t been sleeping, and your health.”

Ten leaned down encapsulating Lucas into a hug, “I’m fine _Xuxi._ I promise you.”

“If you say so,” Lucas’s muffled voice sounds out from Ten’s midriff where his face is buried.

“Now, can you let me go?” Ten tried hopefully.

“No, never,” Lucas protested wrapping his arms even tighter around Ten’s slim waist. “I need to shower,” Ten huffed as he tried to peel Lucas off, “Come on you need to let go.”

“Please,” Lucas’s voice was deadly quiet, there was something in it that made Ten freeze. “Just for a few minutes. “

“Yeah,” Ten whispered absentmindedly as he stared down at Lucas, his fingers began to slowly make their way through Lucas’s hair.

“I know you said that you were okay, but I can’t help but worry,” Lucas confessed softly. “You seem different these last few months.”

_I’m terrified that I’m not good enough, that one day you’ll wake up and realize that you are better off without me._ The words rest heavy on the tip of Ten’s tongue, he swallows them back choosing instead to continue threading his fingers through Lucas’s hair.

***********************

_Will I ever be good enough?_

Ten sighs leaning back against the mirror. “I’m worried about Sicheng,” Johnny slid down planting himself right next to Ten.

“Hello to you too,” Ten said dryly.

Johnny snickered, “Seriously though, I heard from Taeyong that he vomited in the practice room.”

Ten spat out his water in shock, “What the fuck?”

“Ten,” Johnny squawked looking around the room “Shhh the dreamies are here, but it’s true. Taeyong found him cleaning it up this morning.”

Ten’s blood froze at Johnny’s words, he swallowed deeply. “First of all, I heard Jisung cursing like sailor not even ten minutes ago, don’t you dare- “Ten waved an admonishing finger at Johnny, who had opened his mouth. “Second of all, he probably had an upset stomach.”

Johnny nodded slowly as he absorbed Ten’s words. “Your right Sicheng was probably feeling a little under the weather, but Jisung is a child he shouldn’t be cursing like that.”

Ten rolled his eyes violently, “Johnny I swear to god your too much of a fucking goody two shoes”

***********************

_You’re pathetic._

_You’re not good enough, why can’t you see that?_

Ten whimpers pulling his legs closer to his chest as the voices in his head grow louder and louder.

_Why do you even try?_

_Your nothing but a failure Ten, everyone can see it._

_Lucas is better off without you, why can’t you understand that?_

_How long till he wakes up and realizes that your nothing? I wonder what he’ll say when he realizes that your nothing more than a parasitic worm. All you do is bring everyone down._

A choked-up sob makes its way through Ten’s raw throat and out into the cold, empty air of the bedroom. He clutches his arms to his chest, hoping against logic that it would be enough to stop the cracks in his skin from spreading and spilling out all the lies and insecurities he had boxed away over the years.

Each breath he takes is like a jagged knife in his windpipe, it hurts oh god it hurts just to simply exist. With each breath that comes in and out of his body he is filled with the feeling of self-revulsion.

_Who are you to breathe when you are nothing but a filthy worm crawling on the floor? You are nothing more than a blemish._

Ten begins to sob even harder, curling up into an even tighter ball.

“Ten,” Lucas’s worried voice cuts through the white noise that was currently bouncing around in Ten’s mind. “Are you okay?”

Ten hears the tell-tale creak of the bed as he watches through half lidded eyes as Lucas lowers himself onto the floor next to him. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to just know that I’m here,” Lucas offered up quietly.

_I wonder how someone so beautiful could love someone like me._

Ten’s body shuddered at the thought. “Why?” he croaked out “Why me? of all the people in the world why did you choose to fucking love me?”

Lucas gazed at him for several long seconds his dark eyes filled with a deep sadness, “Because your you.”

“That’s not a fucking answer,” Ten raged. “Why?”

Lucas took a deep breath as if he were steeling himself, “I love your smile, the way it lights up the room, I can see it a mile away. I love the way your hand feels in mine, like it was made to be held by me. I love your strength and how you never gave up on me.”

Ten shook his head violently “No, No I’m not strong Xuxi, I’m so fucking tired.”

“I know Ten, I know,” Lucas gazed at Ten with those eyes of his. “But you are not weak you’ve just been strong and alone for too long.”

“I’m feel like a worm, useless and pathetic.”

“Well, worms are essential to the ecosystem,” Lucas pointed out plainly, drawing a watery chuckle from Ten.

“You underestimate yourself Ten, you were the one who sat with me through the dark. Depression feels a lot like drowning, but every time I felt myself slipping to far below the surface you were always there for me, it may not have seemed like much to you but having someone there just to sit there and talk about silliest of things. God- “Lucas broke off running his fingers through his thick hair. “It just really nice, you know. Just knowing that there’s someone there. Your always there to help me make it out of bed when I can’t do it by myself.”

“I never help you get out of bed ever.” Ten cuts through Lucas’s monologue, turning his sharp gaze onto him.

“You do just not in the physical sense, I know that if I can just make it to the kitchen, hell even just sit up in this bed you’ll look at me like I just climbed Mount Everest and your smile will be so radiant. That is why I love you Ten, I love you for every little strength and flaw.” Lucas smiled sadly. “Does that answer your question?”

Ten flung himself onto Lucas in response, burying his face into his chest. Lucas chuckled softly his chest heaving in time to the motion. “I love you Ten.”

*********************

Ten is standing outside of the camera’s line of sight waiting for the hosts of Weekly Idol, Donnie, and Connie to finish the introduction.

_I will learn to love myself as much as Xuxi loves me._

Ten is slowly relearning not to push his body to it’s very limits and to take breaks. Ten is on his way to healing what he believes is a fractured mind, but Lucas tells him is just a little bent. The journey will be long and rough but Ten knows that as long as he has a support system, he can make it to the end. Ten closes his hand around Lucas’s looking up in time to catch his shy smile.

_He’s right our hands were made to fit. I wonder what the future holds for us._

**Author's Note:**

> most of my playlist for this fic consisted of disney songs, does it show??? anyhoo i hope it was a bearable read. oh and all of the worms shit was inspired by some tweets i saw on twt.


End file.
